UGH

I am back. I am hoping that returning here will help my sanity. I am trying to remain a cucumber. H is away for two weeks and that's good. I can finally think about what I am doing. I cleaned my home office finally, and have been getting financial stuff in order. Dealing with banking makes me panic, which I know is stupid. I felt more comfortable when I had less money.

I had a blowout with H on the way to the airport. I didn't plan it that way, but it happened. I feel as if he hasn't even tried to make amends for what he has done. I would have been mortified to hurt him as he has hurt me. Who knows what will happen when he gets back. He is angry, but I think I am more angry. Oh well....

T is working these two weekends, and I don't know what I would do without her. I am angry at myself too. I feel like I have been living in a stupor, and I must wake up. I have booked in to see the dermatologist to get laser on my rosacea. I will be seeing the gyne to deal with these horrible periods. I am thinking again about the gastric bypass. Most of the patients I see who have relatively lower BMIs do very well with it. One who is about my height and was my weight is now down to 110 at 5'2". I qualify due to my hypertension and family history of diabetes. I want to do it in Michigan though, as they have more experience than the guys here. I hope to only take 2 weeks off work if I get it done. Its scary, but this yoyoing with my weight is annoying. I lost 10 lbs with the stress of all this and I have gained it back already! I think I may have a cortisol problem, as I really don't eat that much. I usually eat only twice a day and not after about 6pm. We went to Mandarin tonight and I ate too much and feel ill, but I only ate as much as T and she is as thin as anything. She ate more than me today too! I was running around with the kids to tennis and skating and she offered me lunch but I was too full from breakfast to eat it. So I cannot figure out my metabolism. Sigh.

I have become paranoid that H has been lying about everything. That's why I am cleaning up my act and checking up on the money and all that. I love my new cleaned office. I even took all my old CDs and put them in binders to get rid of the bulky jewel cases. I need to tackle the basement soon.