The Falling Sky

YouTube - Solange Knowles "Momma Loves Baby"

2010-06-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

YouTube - Solange Knowles "Momma Loves Baby"

This is my earworm....Z loves it!

Migraines and Tooth Fairy and Yo Gabba Gabba!

2010-06-11T01:26:00.000-04:00

I had an aura...no not an epiphany, an aura. It was odd and pretty. Like a shimmering lake. I have had migraines before but never an aura. I actually didn't get a migraine with it, because I took some meds to make sure I wouldn't. Today I have a real migraine, and I drank a coffee which is why I am up now writing....ZING!!!! My brain is so foggy and I have no idea if its just the migraine, or chronic fatigue or what. I feel stupid.

X lost a tooth today. He is also sick. He keeps waking up with a fever, so we think the fairy may have problems showing up. I have been told she may have a crystal ball, but she wears a princess dress and slippers, and has wings. Z got her ears pierced this weekend. She was awesome about it and barely cried. We had a mommy daughter day and went for lunch, and bought her some sun dresses and a purse. X went out with H to see his cousins and play some foul video games.

I got a new toy, the iPad. It is awesome. What else can I say about it. I have been going nuts downloading books, and apps.

I have a new earworm. Its a song from Yo Gabba Gabba....Solange Knowles' "Momma loves baby". I tried to find the video but cannot. I could hum it for you......

Nissan LEAF - features and specifications1

2010-05-24T21:18:00.000-04:00

Nissan LEAF - features and specifications1

This is the interesting car I have just found out about. After seeing pictures of the oil spill, I may have to reserve one of these....

Free Lemonade

2010-05-16T20:48:00.001-04:00

So just when my faith in humans fades, a small kindness occurs. I took a walk in the ravine tonight after dinner. I was trying to escape thinking about H, and am tired of the computer. There is only so much I can do on Farmville anyway. It's a lovely night, with a quiet warmth in the air, flowering lilacs, and no pesticide smells since the ban a few years ago. I saw a small bunny and a little fox ran right past me. I heard many accents, mostly Mandarin, Persian, and Russian. This area has such a wealth of different cultures. It's also neat that I can recognize most, due to my HELLPIT experience. The park was closed at the end for some construction, so I detoured to the Starbucks for an iced tea lemonade. They are out of black tea.. Damn. I was disappointed, but asked for just a lemonade. Then dude tells me it's FREE! So maybe there is a God.... Also nice mix of reggae and Black Eyed Peas...

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Waving Flag

2010-04-29T20:57:00.000-04:00

The creatures made me post this video. They are obsessed over this song and sing it all the time. It does seem to have an almost universal appeal. It is versatile, as it is the theme song for the World Cup, and it has been used to help Haiti. I like it too, and it has become an earworm for me. Of course I like this version with all the Canadian artists the best. The creatures have been following the earthquake stories for months now. They tell me they want to go to Haiti to help the babies, and Z wants me to adopt a Haitian baby. I had to laugh when I told them about the cleric who thought that immodestly dressed women caused earthquakes and volcano eruptions. I explained that some women were going to test his theory by taking off their tops and exposing their breasts. When I asked them if they thought that would cause disaster, X said "how would that be possible?".....

They have been interested in the volcano eruption too. They wanted to know how the ashes would cause the planes to crash. I think we will discuss the oil rig spill next. I think the controlled burn would be interesting to watch, but I wonder why the bacteria that eats oil hasn't been used. Likely the spill is just too large.

We have been discussing the sex education changes in the school system too. It is funny seeing these parents on TV upset that their snowflakes will be taught about sex. They have no clue that their children could likely teach them a thing or two that they have learned off the internet or from other kids. Really, if your child does not know anatomically correct terms by grade one that's ridiculous. And yes, plenty of 13 yr olds are having oral sex, trust me. Actually, the parents should not be relying on the school system to teach their children these things. Its the kids that know the least that end up in my office pregnant and with some STD that they never knew existed. And they think oral sex is safe from getting infections...that is so not true..... I also don't know how many times parents have taken a teenager's birth control pills away, telling her she cannot have sex again. Then she ends up back in my office looking for an abortion.....ugh.....

Young Artists For Haiti - Wavin' Flag

2010-04-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

Cat Crap

2010-04-18T02:48:00.000-04:00

Its late at night and Z has woken up with a bad dream and wanting a glass of water. So I go downstairs and hear some odd rustling. Looking down the back stairs to the basement I see cat poo on the floor. Why so they always do this when I am stressed!!!! I just don't get my cats. I wish they would just stick to peeing on H's shoes. I left the crap for the morning, and got water for Z. She needed a seesaw hug, a bum cuddle, a face hug and a kiss. And so did X. We had to look for her hedgehog too. Hedgie was found in the clothes basket earlier, and now she had fallen over the side of the bed. I seriously need a sleeping pill....

UGH

2010-04-18T02:20:00.000-04:00

I am back. I am hoping that returning here will help my sanity. I am trying to remain a cucumber. H is away for two weeks and that's good. I can finally think about what I am doing. I cleaned my home office finally, and have been getting financial stuff in order. Dealing with banking makes me panic, which I know is stupid. I felt more comfortable when I had less money.

I had a blowout with H on the way to the airport. I didn't plan it that way, but it happened. I feel as if he hasn't even tried to make amends for what he has done. I would have been mortified to hurt him as he has hurt me. Who knows what will happen when he gets back. He is angry, but I think I am more angry. Oh well....

T is working these two weekends, and I don't know what I would do without her. I am angry at myself too. I feel like I have been living in a stupor, and I must wake up. I have booked in to see the dermatologist to get laser on my rosacea. I will be seeing the gyne to deal with these horrible periods. I am thinking again about the gastric bypass. Most of the patients I see who have relatively lower BMIs do very well with it. One who is about my height and was my weight is now down to 110 at 5'2". I qualify due to my hypertension and family history of diabetes. I want to do it in Michigan though, as they have more experience than the guys here. I hope to only take 2 weeks off work if I get it done. Its scary, but this yoyoing with my weight is annoying. I lost 10 lbs with the stress of all this and I have gained it back already! I think I may have a cortisol problem, as I really don't eat that much. I usually eat only twice a day and not after about 6pm. We went to Mandarin tonight and I ate too much and feel ill, but I only ate as much as T and she is as thin as anything. She ate more than me today too! I was running around with the kids to tennis and skating and she offered me lunch but I was too full from breakfast to eat it. So I cannot figure out my metabolism. Sigh.

I have become paranoid that H has been lying about everything. That's why I am cleaning up my act and checking up on the money and all that. I love my new cleaned office. I even took all my old CDs and put them in binders to get rid of the bulky jewel cases. I need to tackle the basement soon.

ANGRY

2010-03-27T12:27:00.000-04:00

It's been an awful week. I found out what was causing my peeing problems and it was shocking to say the least. I am left feeling hollow, worn out, fed up. At least I am no longer peeing blood, and the writing is on the wall. The ball is in my court. The shit has hit the fan. I can't think of any others...
I took a day off work , but it didn't help. There is no use trying to talk to H anymore. I cannot deal with the kids they are even making me angry and I don't want to be. I could run but it wouldn't help. I need a plan of action.

Finger Licking Not Good

2010-03-21T13:48:00.001-04:00

One of my pet peeves is finger lickers. I am waiting for X in his piano lesson, and there is one across the way. She is turning pages in some document with her licked finger. Yuck. It's worse when the checkout person does this to your bag, and then you have to take it home. I remember all the lickers at Walmart. I wonder if they get gastroenteritis often....I hope so. I don't want their germs. Stop the licking!!!

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Here we go again!

2010-03-20T16:55:00.002-04:00

The dreaded blood in pee. It was really painful. I had to switch antibiotics twice and even considered the dreaded ER. Luckily the old Septra started to work. With all the flesh eating disease going around ER is the last place I want to be.

The weather got cold again too. It was snowing this morning, and I had to put the furnace back on. Z went skating and I tried to get her to stop staring at other people and move on her own.

This pyelonephritis is making me very tired, but at least I am not having pain. Trying to rest is difficult with fighting creatures who keep wanting new batteries for their various toys.

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Here comes the SUN

2010-03-17T19:24:00.000-04:00

It was a glorious day today. The temperature was almost 20 C. I left work early today because the creatures are on March break. We went for very expensive ice cream and then to the park. T and I taught them how to slide down the pole. X was good at it but Z was afraid, even though she did do it with no help. They met some other kids and had fun. There were bigger kids there who could not go down the pole, and some hovering mommy afraid when they went head first down the slide. Ha. The creatures are very sociable. We then watched the guys deliver baseboards for the other house. They used a small forklift and it was cool. I cannot believe how big the creatures are getting. Last year they needed to be supervised in everything. Now they are so self-sufficient.

When you get a moment....

2010-03-16T15:33:00.000-04:00

WHAT MOMENT????

When I am at HELLPIT I don't even get to pee, which is why I ended up peeing blood by the way. H calls today and I run out to get the phone with visions of broken limbs and head injuries. He wants me to check on his results WHEN I GET A MOMENT. It would take him exactly four minutes to drive here and ask the receptionists himself. He is already home from work and the creatures are playing with T. I know he is not playing with them, because I ask them who they have been playing with when I get home. Its never him.

I am taking my moment to write this in my blog. And now I will go pee. I have no clue about his results.

Wait a minute!

2010-03-15T23:57:00.000-04:00

I think I had a psychedelic weekend. It started out nice enough...we went to brunch and I got to Costco, which was good, as I haven't been in a while. Then it got odd.

We took the creatures to Alice in Wonderland 3D. That was neat. The movie was a little slow, and was not true to the novel, but the 3D was cool. I really liked the Cheshire cat. Z kept taking off the glasses to see her popcorn, and I would remind her to put them back on. She managed to push my sweater and purse onto the yucky movie theatre floor. X was afraid the evil dragon would win.

I was feeling odd and tired when I got home. I spent quite some time adding up receipts for the accountant. The numbers started to swim.

Then yesterday I stated peeing blood. Oh my. I had no pain though, which was odd. I went on a wild search for antibiotics that took me all over our house, until I ran into some expired Avelox. Its for upper respiratory infections, but is related to Cipro, so I was sure it would work. I realized a few hours later, that I had been having pain, as it was gone. I have been so accustomed to pain in my joints that I didn't realize I had bladder pain. Odd.

The antibiotic gave me strange dreams. For some reason I dreamt I was being stalked by a serial killer. I can barely remember the dream now, but at the time it was very vivid. I wish I knew where that came from.

Its March break for the creatures. As I left for HELLPIT this morning, they were playing with the sofa cushions. They had made a rocketship and were going to Mars. I wanted to go too.....

Moose, bunnies, and spiders

2010-03-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

It was the creatures' birthday last week. We went to the Science Centre and then Montanas. The moose hat was waiting. Z was so pleased, but I felt a little bad that X didn't get his own hat. They had tried to borrow another one, but I guess it didn't work out. He had to wear it after his sister, but I was proud that he didn't sulk at all. He was so pleased to get the Transformer helmet, and he loved the tornado at the SC so maybe that was fine for him. Z got a stroller and swing for her dolls, but she tries to ride on the back of the stroller and she has been told she will break it....I wonder how long it will last.

They also got a spider vacuum from T. They found a wolf spider, and Uncle C has put it in with his crickets. It has been very happy munching on them. C has crickets for his lizard. He is always interesting to visit. He got them a Kerplunk game that I am now addicted to. X loves it and is giving me good competition.

Yesterday morning I was awakened by Z telling me that there were Easter bunnies outside. I thought she was dreaming or hallucinating until I dragged myself to their bedroom window, only to see four little brown rabbits cavorting in our backyard. The creatures were fascinated. I think they were mating. So we may have baby brown bunnies in our backyard soon. Z liked their little tails. Obviously a sign of spring, and the weather has been very warm. In fact, the whole winter has been warm. I didn't pull out my sheepskin at all, and have been wearing a sweater to work. No fleece this year. Odd, but I have missed it a bit. When I was young I remember not being able to open the front door because of the snow.

HELLPIT has been HELLPIT.....and I have been putting time in getting papers ready for taxes. Ugh.

Video from the 2010 Winter Olympics - CTV Olympics

2010-02-28T22:30:00.001-05:00

Video from the 2010 Winter Olympics - CTV Olympics

I think we are all very proud to be Canadian tonight....and the flying moose in the closing ceremonies were too cool!

YouTube - I Am Canadian

2010-02-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

YouTube - I Am Canadian

Crosby the OT hero as Canada captures gold

2010-02-28T18:33:00.000-05:00

Crosby the OT hero as Canada captures gold

Canadian Gold

2010-02-28T18:31:00.001-05:00

Yes I watched it. The Olympic men's hockey game was wonderful. It gave me goosebumps hearing all the fans singing the anthem. I never watch hockey. I can barely skate. But I am Canadian.

Interesting Letterhead Designs | Letterheady

2010-02-28T10:53:00.000-05:00

Interesting Letterhead Designs | Letterheady

These are interesting. The whole art of writing letters is lost in this age of texting and email. I am sure my kids will not even learn to write cursive. I was surprised when they brought home some pictures they had done with some titles printed on them. When I asked what older child had helped them print on them, they informed me it was their teacher! The printing looked like mine from about grade 4. I regret that I cannot write as my mother does, and most likely my kids won't even be able to print like me. Interesting and sad....

I might get them to do calligraphy. I did this in university for my class notes. I would restrict myself to one page, one side, for each class. I found that slowing down and paying attention to what I was writing made me understand it better. Technology is not always better.

Annoying Diners

2010-02-27T17:29:00.003-05:00

So I am trying to enjoy my dinner when a group of four are seated behind me. I think I am having anaphylaxis from the one woman. She is snarky and pompous, asking the waiter in a snide voice if the garnish is freshly made. She is not shutting up about how much she likes the Ritz. She has that nasally north USA accent. Ugh. How jarring! I will drink more wine to drown her out.....

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Sleep and snow

2010-02-27T17:29:00.001-05:00

I am back at my favourite haunt for another two night getaway. I had trouble sleeping last night and today am fighting a migraine. It's peaceful with new snow. I was watching Olympics but now am reading Half the Sky. And to think I get unhappy with my life, when most women would love it.

Tuesday I played hookey from work and went toboganning with the creatures. It was their first time and I feel bad about that. Sometimes I wish I could stay home with them all the time. T loved tobogganning as much as they did. H won't take them as he hates cold. I find that I must initiate novel activities with the creatures and then sometimes he will take them. We shall see.

He has mentioned a Disney cruise and I hope to jump on that before he thinks of some excuse not to go. I know X in particular would love to go on vacation with daddy.

The creatures turn five next week so I must plan their day. I took the day off work and will spend it with them. They want to go to dinner at Montana's and wear moose hats.....

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Trying to Revive

2010-02-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Everyone has been so sick around here. Only I have been unaffected by the plague. Now the creatures have a cough and have been waking up every two hours all night. I am so sleep deprived. I tried some Gravol for them last night but Z had a bad reaction with bad dreams and confusion. I spent a lot of time just hugging her overnight. Sigh....

I went off to get my hair done today. She blow dried it straight and I actually like it. I may have to try that myself. Hopefully we will get to the Auto Show tonight so I can see my dream car. I had to cancel my massage though, so I will be in pain.

There is such drama at HELLPIT these days. It seems everyone is having trouble with there SO for some reason. I am worried about Y in the hospital still too. We are all trying to put out fires.

I have been watching the Olympics of course. It seems all the runs are so icy, and people are falling. I hope no one gets too injured.

The Plague House

2010-02-13T20:24:00.000-05:00

I am surprised Public Health has not posted a notice on our door that we all have a contagious illness. The creatures have been vomiting and X has a nasty cough. Now T has been expelling from both ends and the H is dizzy with stomach pains. I am, of course, fine. I am as tired as hell though, as I have been up for the last four nights cleaning vomit. The worse was Z puking on the middle of her bed. I have no idea how people can become nurses. If she wasn't my own child I would have run. Yuck.

We missed tennis and skating. The creatures are clingy. I holed up in my office watching the Olympics today after my night of being called every two hours about a cough or a vomit or a poo. The creatures were tired out too, and just wanted to cuddle. Z likes the fast skating. She has become quite the daredevil with her need for speed. Luckily we have another TV so cartoons were running for them my bedroom. Normally we have limited TV watching for them, but we were all too tired to care today.

I hope the contagion passes soon. We have warned anyone wanting to visit.....

6 Shockingly Evil Things Babies Are Capable Of | Cracked.com

2010-02-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

6 Shockingly Evil Things Babies Are Capable Of | Cracked.com

I have seen these behaviours first hand.......

Man filmed doing the funky chicken on New York subway - Story - World - 3 News

2010-02-07T12:57:00.000-05:00

Man filmed doing the funky chicken on New York subway - Story - World - 3 News

Ok, something funny......this guy sure loves chicken!

Op-Ed Columnist - The World Capital of Killing - NYTimes.com

2010-02-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

Op-Ed Columnist - The World Capital of Killing - NYTimes.com

This is heartbreaking to read about.

Pure Sleep | AmbiScience Sleep Aid | Best App Site

2010-02-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

Pure Sleep | AmbiScience Sleep Aid | Best App Site

So here is a site that recommends apps for my addiction, my iPhone. This app is for better sleep. I should try it.

The creatures are still waking me up very early. HELLPIT has been stressful this week, and I haven't been getting home until about 11 pm every night. I finally signed Z up for skating, and I had to rush out today to get her skates, as she starts tomorrow. The creatures have both started piano now. Insane. I am running at work and with the creatures on the weekend. It never stops. I am also trying to sell chocolates for the school, but I keep eating them all at work. So much for weight loss. I wonder if there is an app for subliminal messages to lose weight....

BBC News - Why do people often vote against their own interests?

2010-01-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

BBC News - Why do people often vote against their own interests?

This seems to be the problem right now in the US. I am amazed when I see people who cannot afford health care complaining about reform. I am amazed when I see the articles circulating about Canadian health care that are so untrue. The lobbyists are also strong, but I cannot see how they can influence people so strongly. Oh well, I am thankful I don't live or work there. Although I would make more money, it seems it would be such an unethical system that I would compromise my integrity.

Finally, the Cuba pictures.....

2010-01-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

YouTube - Apple unveils the "iPad"

2010-01-27T22:18:00.000-05:00

YouTube - Apple unveils the "iPad"

The new Apple

2010-01-27T22:16:00.000-05:00

I need an iPad. The only thing wrong with the new Apple is the name. Otherwise its cool. It reminds me of Star Trek. I wish I knew about it before I got this Macbook Pro, but I can't complain. The Macbook is amazingly better than any PC I have ever had. But I can't wait to download books to the iPad, and then I can give my eReader away. Its a pain to download books with it anyway. I read books off my iPhone now. I have even found free books that are actually good from the sites linked to the iPhone app. It needs a better name. I wonder who did that market research. Its as bad as some of the drug names I come across. I think I would be good at picking names for new products. I wonder if I could promote a business just doing that...hmmm...

The creatures will love the new Apple. I don't know how many times I have to remind them not to put their fingers on the screen of my Macbook. They love the iPhone and fight over using it. They know how to unlock it, and would download apps if I told them my password. Sneaky.

X diagnosed himself with strep throat this week. He told me his throat hurt so he looked in the mirror with a flashlight and found white goo on his tonsils. He proclaimed that he needed an antibiotic. He also mentioned that he needed his puffer for his cough. He is so smart, but HE WON"T READ!!!! He loves me reading to him, but he hates it when I urge him to sound out words himself. It ruins the cadence and the experience for him. I am hoping that when they start piano lessons this week it might help him. He is also starting his tennis again. I am on the hunt for dance or skating for the Z.

So much to do with the creatures, and I am still not getting home from HELLPIT until about 10 at night. I rummage around on the Internet and don't get to bed until after the news, then the creatures jump on me around 6 am if I am lucky. I think they are missing me Monday to Wednesday. Even on my days off I have to do paperwork and calls for work. I wish H could land some major pay raise. I would like to retire....maybe just spend all my time thinking of neat names for products.....

Paying the Piper

2010-01-22T10:13:00.001-05:00

I had a great vacation in Cuba. My BIL got somewhat sick but I think I cured him. We were a bit cold the first few days, then it warmed up. We were able to soy on the beach but the water was a bit cold. Sand hurts my feet. I wish I knew why my feet are so sensitive.

Now this week I have been suffering. HELLPIT has been hell. People have saved up all their issues for my return. I find out that X cannot read at all and has been guessing. I will rearrange my work so I can spend some time coaching him. H hasn't booked tennis yet and I must find a dance or skating class for Z. We need new a new washer and dryer. Argggh. O have justed wasted time on this vacation.

Well at least we don't live in Haiti. I really feel for those poor people.

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

ARGGGGH

2010-01-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

I am packing to go to Cuba. I will be meeting my sister and her husband there. I have now repacked three times. She is telling me she wants fleece tops and pants and mittens. He tells me he was on the beach yesterday. I am confused and annoyed. I hope I don't end up with sweaters and no bathing suit, while everyone else is on the beach. My sister can be alarmist at times.

Her husband has insomnia again, so I am glad I have my own room. I learned from a cruise I took when I shared a room with them. He had the TV on all night and was tromping around. It was hideous. I just hope she doesn't have a meltdown like she had in Vegas. She was crying for no reason in the middle of the Venetian. Menopause.

I should just stay home with the creatures. I will miss them, but I hope I get some sleep. Getting home at 11:30 pm from HELLPIT after 12 hours, then being awakened by them at 5 am is rough after a few days. "Mommy what time is 6 1 4 ?" I don't like hearing that.....

Mutant Crab Claw

2010-01-01T12:39:00.001-05:00

Well Happy New Year! I celebrated with a supremely crazy day at the HELLPIT, then a wonderful dinner at the Keg with Y. I had four martinis and was feeling mellow. The waitress was excellent, and the food good. Including Y's mutant crab claw apparently. I will post a picture when I figure out how to remove Y from the shot.

It was huge. I am sure the crab it came from must have eaten a small child. We were tipsy and devised some crazy plans such as a birthday party for me....hmmm maybe that's not so crazy.

When I got home, I found the creatures asleep, with T and H watching Rihanna try to sing. H thinks she looks like Whitney, and I agree they both look like crack addicts. A good Bond flick was on after that but we were all too tired, and H was tipsy from two glasses of champagne. I dreamt of the two of us on a patio with him actually hugging me. I hope that comes true.....

Today it's was back to the big cow place for brunch. Z asked me to marry her! That's the first time I have ever been asked, as H and I just live in sin...it was flattering....
-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

YouTube - NEW TELUS Commercial "Hippo for Christmas"

2009-12-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

YouTube - NEW TELUS Commercial "Hippo for Christmas"

I wish I had this ring tone for the month BEFORE Christmas.

Infiniti Canada - 2010 Essence

2009-12-26T23:36:00.000-05:00

Infiniti Canada - 2010 Essence

It's sexy here...

Behind the Wheel of the New Infiniti Essence - FOXBusiness.com

2009-12-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Behind the Wheel of the New Infiniti Essence - FOXBusiness.com

Here is my new wish car.....

Turkey Fart Day

2009-12-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

The day after Christmas is known as Boxing Day, but its Turkey Fart Day to me. I love turkey, but for some reason it makes me fart. Badly. Z has gotten this gene too, and she spent the day in the potty.

She also spent the day getting soaked while playing with the swimming Barbie. X tried to put his transformers in the pool, but I persuaded him not to. At least they gave me some time to try to download a ring tone. I know its cheesy, but I like the Hippopotamus song from Telus. I wish I had it from before the holiday.

H was looking for his iphone. I felt sorry for him, he looked so forlorn. I used mine to search the ringtone, and to look at the sleek new car I would like to get...the Essence. Its the concept car that has been launched by Infiniti. They sent me an email about it. I plan to see it at the Auto Show in February. It has such good lines, it really looks like a piece of art. And it has 592hp! I am in love!

It's a Wrap

2009-12-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

I finished the deed. All is wrapped and labeled. All the extra paper is away. My tree looks lovely surrounded by all the presents. The creatures are asleep. I didn't let them nap today, so they went to bed quite easily. My only outstanding job is to find a 9 volt battery somewhere. My brother has one at Nana's house, just in case. The remote tarantula will not work without one.

H is up in arms, as he has lost his cell phone. I really find it goofy. Here I am the one who may be called in an emergency, and he is worried about his cell. Most days I would be happy if I lost mine. I lent him mine, although I know if the roles were reversed I would not get his. He had best remember to look for the battery and to get me that big Mac. I know I shouldn't, but I crave one tonight. I cannot even remember the last time I had one, its been so long.

I never found the pumpkin pie I was told to bring to Nana's. They will have to settle with the caramel apple pie from Costco. I was told it is very good.

Disappointing news..McD's is closed already. I know that most people around here are nowhere near Christian, so that is nuts. Its a Thursday night and only 9:30. When do I get to take my Diwali or Eid day....I think I will join every denomination.

The Cringe Factor

2009-12-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

Some people just rub me the wrong way. I just about sunk into the floor at the office Christmas party when the person who was covering for our summer holidays showed up and was invited to the partners' table. I cannot really say why she just drives me nuts. She reminds me of the evil sister, but worse in a way. She is a new graduate and thinks she knows everything. I find myself biting my tongue when she expresses her opinions....she like to quote academic studies but has no experience in the trenches. My sister is very much like this. She tends to believe everything some guideline claims.

I shouldn't let my sister or this cocky young thing bother me, but they do. I guess I think they should both acknowledge my experience. But really, what does it matter? I will have to deal with the evil one over the holidays. It makes me cringe.

My mom even gets so stressed about her arriving. She criticizes everything. I expect it, and try to ignore her, but she is like a dog with a bone. Lately she has been on my case, and even my mother's, over me not getting the H1N1 shot for myself and the creatures. I don't know why she gets so worked up about it. A colleague of mine suggested that I just lie and tell her we did get it, and tell her its because of her superior wisdom that I am deferring to. Ha. I like it.....

Avatar, the Iphone of movies

2009-12-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Amazing. I have never seen anything like it. It was in 3D, and was very cool. The story was classic, but interesting. The characters were believable too. We were all stunned at how good this movie was.

It made me question the whole faith thing again also. I have never been a fan of these monotheistic paternalistic religions. The spirituality in this movie is more credible to me. The connectedness of the people made more sense.

Even with the creatures, their innate natures seem to show up. We have raised them the same way, as far as I can see, yet X is very much the warrior and Z the nurturer. We tried to keep weapons away from X in particular, but he managed to make anything a weapon. He attacked people with his play vacuum.

It just makes more sense to me that any higher deity would be feminine if anything. Females are more nurturing. Little boys seemed determined to be warriors for what they believe in. X definitely gets caught up in the whole "good versus evil" theme.

Crazy Busy

2009-12-19T22:18:00.002-05:00

Now that the imaginary pandemic is gone, my focus is on the crazy Christmas preparations. The creatures are overly excited, and school has, of course, added to that. The amount of chocolate currently in the house is unreal. I have managed to keep most of it under the tree and out of their, and my, mouths.

I have been at the mall. I have never had so many conversations with H with all the key words spelled out, but soon Z, in particular, will be able to decode the spelling. Her ability to recognize sight words grows daily. She asks for everything to be spelled out for her. Videos came from Santa, thanks to a link a friend sent me on Facebook.

Now we just have to figure out what will be happening on the actual day. Hopefully the evil one, my other sister, will not be in town on that particular day. If she isn't, then the creatures and me will spend most of the day at Nana's, while H visits with his other son. Then maybe his brother will have a late dinner in the evening.

I survived the office dinner. It was actually quite nice. We now have plans for all of us partners to see Avatar. I can't believe it. We discovered that we all wanted to see it, so we have decided to go together tomorrow night. We are too goofy. God knows the evil one would never do something like that. So unprofessional.....

Tired of gray

2009-12-19T20:09:00.002-05:00

Its so gray and yucky here, I thought I would add some colour from the spring. These are irises from my small garden out back. Next year they should be even more abundant.

Right To Play

2009-12-14T20:57:00.002-05:00

I have developed ADHD. When I get home from HELLPIT, I turn on the tube and fire up the laptop at the same time. I find I cannot follow a whole TV show even if I try. I have no attention. I suppose its because I am farting around on Google or Blogger or whatever, but I really think the problem is the ads. Most are just mindless and distracting, but some are outright annoying. By the time the ad sequence is over, I forgot what the show was about, or if I had even seen it. The only show I can follow at all is the Amazing Race.

The most annoying ad lately is the Right to Play one. The concept is good, and I would not want to deny children the right to play. Perhaps its my tinnitus lately, but the singing on this ad is grating, and the song becomes one of those horrible worm ones that replay in your head. Its stuck there right now. And its on all the time it seems.

I also have some concerns with the whole Olympic thing anyway. I wonder if the money spent on all that hoopla shouldn't be given to some developing countries for food and medicine.....

Midnight

2009-12-13T13:28:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading a very good book. It is titled Midnight by Sister Souljah. I normally don't like books about American life and the projects as such, but I picked this one up while in Zellers on the way to my 2 day hiatus a few weeks ago. I wasn't expecting much except a diversion, but I got drawn into this story. Its about a young boy who emigrates from Sudan with his mother and ends up in New York in the projects. It was well written and engaging. I won't say much more but I am definitely going to look for her other novels.

The creatures had their hair braided today, and are now napping. I hope to go to the new Disney movie..The Princess and the Frog, after nap. Z likes the princess as she thinks she looks like her. Last night we danced to the new Jacksoul CD. The creatures wore their sunglasses and danced on the coffee table. I wish I got pictures of that but we were using the iPhone for the music. Its so sad we will never hear more of Haydain's voice again.

Its back to the HELLPIT tomorrow for me. I always miss the creatures after a good weekend with them. Now they are older and the weekends are more fun as their behaviour is better. I am so proud of them.

Let down your hair, baby!

2009-12-12T01:08:00.002-05:00

As I have been wondering how this blog got into a line of beauty blogs, (and kettleball blogs for some reason too), I started to think about my hair. Now that winter has really hit with the dreaded SNOW, it is very dry in my house. So is the hair. I just got it permed and coloured in October, to try to cover the grey I may add, and now it is drier than usual. I was using this Moroccan oil cream for curly hair. I am just using Infusium leave in conditioner now. I wash my hair too often because of the HELLPIT. As soon as I get home, all my clothes go in the laundry and I take a shower.

I will have to book to get my roots done again soon. I wonder if there is some home remedy for the dry hair. I would try some new shampoo or conditioner, I am just tired of wasting money on stuff that doesn't work. I waste enough money on face products for the damn rosacea....but that's another story.

The creatures had to get their braids out tonight and their hair combed. They will get rebraided on Sunday. A nice young lady comes to our house to do it. She is so nice, the creatures adore her.

It was very cold today with the wind. I had some onerous business with lawyers at the HELLPIT, then I went to the mall with the creatures and T. I was looking to do some Christmas shopping, but wound up buying new clothes for them instead. There was a big sale at Please Mum. We finally found some cool colourful shirts for X with flames on the sleeves. Most clothes for boys are really boring in colour and style, and it was good to find more lively choices. Z went for the purple and pink as per the norm.

Then we ate at the Pickle Barrel. We had ice cream for dessert. I took a picture but it came out weird....sorry Y!!!

Damn Chocolate..sugarmommy.ca

2009-12-10T23:13:00.003-05:00

The season of gift baskets has started. Two appeared today at the HELLPIT. One was very odd and contained quinoa flour and pecans. The other was a glorious chocolate dream. There are chocolate covered marshmallow sticks and chocolate bark. It even has chocolate fortune cookies. I brought them both home to sit under our tree until Christmas.

The creatures were very curious. Z told me she was starving and even cried. Then she hardly ate any dinner. She was really just in a chocolate drought it seems. H and I went off to a lackluster performance called Stuff Happens. Well, it probably wasn't all that bad, its just too political for me to handle after a week at the HELLPIT. My brain shuts off on Thursday afternoon. So we left early.

I fired up the laptop, and have been rummaging around the internet. Then the craving started. Slowly, the thought of chocolate drifted into my consciousness. It became louder. I tried to resist but it was futile. I opened the chocolate basket. Mmmmm....

I highly endorse this basket...try sugarmommy.ca if you want to find out more. You can order one for me too.

Tiger is a HUGE Dog!

2009-12-08T00:46:00.003-05:00

Unreal. I think his car hit a tree and all the women must have fallen out! I am not sure if I believe it. His "team" should not have started handing out hush money, it brought all the groupies out. His wife has moved out it seems. Good for her. If he wanted just to have kids and not have a real relationship he should have been up front about that. I am sure some woman would have agreed to that too. Obviously that is not the deal his wife thought she was getting, or she would not have been beating on him with that golf club.

I guess the whole Vegas motto is not true then either, as some hotel owners have piped up about Tiger's bad behaviour. Other famous people will now have to watch it in Vegas...I think Vegas is tarnishing its reputation with all this.

What a tangled web we weave....when first we practice to deceive....

The Office Party

2009-12-05T23:30:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah...we are having an office party. Its really an office dinner. With Secret Santa exchanges...how fun. This year I will probably regift a spa certificate from last year. Since the gift should be 20 bucks and the certificate is for 50 I am sure the recipient will be happy. Thank God that's done. I am getting so lazy with these things. I remember going out of my way to research what to give. One year I bought edible underwear as a gag gift for my co-worker, and that was actually funny. However, with all our staff turnover and their increasing numbers, it is more difficult to know people that well.

Hopefully we will be able to arrange a dinner with just our core group of people and their spouses. We hardly ever see each others spouses anymore, as the events that we go to for work don't allow them. I miss those days, and so does H. My plan is to get us all into going out like that every few months. I think it will help us appreciate each other more. Its difficult to arrange good venues and times.

Currently I hardly see my partners during the work day, as HELLPIT has been a flurry of crises. I have been running late chronically, and spending time just putting out fires. I am getting better at delegating. I even bought a really cool coffee maker for my room. I need to buy chocolate powder for my coffee; its the only thing that can take the edge off and stop me from grinding my teeth all day......

Christmas Trimmings

2009-12-05T21:25:00.001-05:00

We are getting our small house ready for the holidays. We got a small tree this year, and the creatures did most of the decorating. I wanted multicoloured lights but got vetoed mostly by T. The creatures got out their beloved singing thingies.... the best is the Grinch. We even hung a fairy on the big Buddha. We saw Santa today for the third time now, and I think we will email him tomorrow.

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

The Hamster Wheel

2009-12-04T21:40:00.002-05:00

I just saw the new Nissan Sentra TV ad. There is a guy on a hamster wheel, going through his whole day. I know how he feels. I live that. Except I think I am also juggling while on the wheel.

I went for reflexology today. I am an addict. I am out of alignment apparently. I think it has to do with lack of sleep. Between surfing, my money anxiety, dealing with H, and the creatures waking me up early, I must get about 4 hours a night. I wonder if I can use this as an excuse for not losing weight. Its the cortisol you know....

G, the massage guy, told me about some machine in the gym that essentially vibrates you to stimulate muscles. Hmmm...I wonder if they truly work. Sounds bogus, but hopeful. I hate going to that treadmill in the gym because it feels like my whole hamster wheel life....

Tiger is a DOG

2009-12-03T21:21:00.002-05:00

OK I guess I must say something about the whole Tiger Woods thing. Its not surprising. I hope his wife expected this when she went into this marriage. Any man with celebrity status or some power attracts all kinds of groupies. I am sure he is bombarded with offers all the time. It would be difficult to resist. I wonder if women get the same bombardment. In my experience it isn't the same. Most of us at HELLPIT have a modicum of power per se, and maybe some local celebrity, but us women don't get the attention the men get. Men are afraid of power in women, and unlike women, they don't become the moth to the flame. They just run. Or they think they like your self sufficiency, then leave you for some woman who lives on welfare and cannot make ends meet.

However, I also think we women think of things differently. We are not quick to be deluded by the fawning admirer, or maybe we realize that we may lose more than we will gain. Or maybe we just don't get caught. Why the hell couldn't Tiger just memorize that chicks number and not have it in his phone? Or label it differently, like under caterer or trainer....he is obviously not very good at this. I think men slip up due to their guilt...they feel they should get caught.

Ok, what else today? I took the creatures to their first dentist appointment, where they passed with flying colours. No cavities, and good behaviour all around. They got their report cards, and did well. X is being lazy with the reading though. He likes to be read too, and doesn't want to try to recognize words or sound them out. Z does both very well now. She must be like mommy!

We read a book about Passover. They asked a lot of questions about it, but I really couldn't answer many of them. They did wonder if Jewish people were from India. They asked if the people in the book were Jewish, what were we. Hmmmm...good one. I said we were probably Christian. I don't know if I really feel comfortable with that answer. I have always been rather agnostic. We have a large Buddha in our house, and the kids even know about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But really, I guess H and I were brought up with Christian beliefs for the most part. I just cringe at the "old white guy with beard flying around" part. I don't think any organized religion is really helpful for society, and particularly for women. We do however, have a very nice Christmas tree that we are in the process of trimming....

The Next Blog

2009-11-30T23:29:00.004-05:00

That little note at the top right caught my eye. I found out that it should link to other blogs that have similar content to mine. But when I push it, all I get are blogs about makeup or fitness sites. How much makeup can you blog about every day? I don't even wear makeup unless its some serious outing. And I don't understand why I need to know how many reps of kettle ball lifts someone has done. I am not even sure what a kettle ball is or what one does with it.

I have tried the "next blog" a number of times. Always the makeup stuff, usually written by some transsexual from Singapore. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Once I did get some shocking porn blogs, and once I got some with embedded ads for Viagra. Those seemed to be written in gibberish. Why would I buy Viagra from an odd site like that anyway? Its just like the spam email I get.

The Internet is a very strange place...I feel like Alice in Wonderland....

The Big Cow

2009-11-28T12:16:00.001-05:00

The cow is finally back. It seems to come and go randomly from the parking lot of our brunch place. I finally captured a picture of it. The creatures are happy. Z is wearing her pink princess outfit today.

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Harley's

2009-11-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Adidas Winter Boots

2009-11-26T21:58:00.001-05:00

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Ugg's

2009-11-26T21:57:00.001-05:00

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Blundstones

2009-11-26T21:56:00.001-05:00

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Happy Feet

2009-11-26T21:42:00.002-05:00

I like boots. I have many boots. I have friends who collect high heels, but I like boots. My latest are the Blundstones. They are very comfortable and I also found this great goo for them that is made of beeswax and so it doesn't stink. Which is great when I am trying to treat my boots in the winter and I don't want to stand outside.

I like boots that make my feet look bigger. I know that's odd too, but I find my feet are too small. These are unisex and I love men's boots so that is a bonus. I have trouble buying men's boots due to the small size of my feet. I will not even admit how small my feet are, I will outright lie.

I can tell these will last a long time. I have had my Doc Martin's for about 20 years. Another favourite are my Harley motorcycle boots. Then my Ugg's of course.

Its a comfort thing....

So sad and tired....

2009-11-24T14:54:00.003-05:00

I am sad. Haydain Neale, the singer from Jacksoul, just died on Sunday. I adore all his CDs, and he was from my home town. I just can't believe it. He was in a terrible accident two years ago, and was recovering, but apparently he developed lung cancer. So sad, and he was only 39.

When I was pregnant I would listen to his CDs in the car on the way to HELLPIT almost every day. I would turn up the music, and his voice made me feel good. The creatures would only dance to his music. When they were born they recognized his songs; they would turn to the music when small, and when bigger they actually know the words and Z in particular likes to dance to his CD. I had always hoped to take them to one of his concerts when he got back on his feet. Now it won't happen. He was to have a new CD launch on Dec 1 too. We will all miss him.

This is much worse and personal than Michael Jackson dying. Even if he was an ardent smoker since childhood this isn't the normal course for lung cancer. Who knows what caused this. So odd....

I am also very tired too. The creatures cannot stop waking me at 5 am. Even sending them back to bed means I am still awake. Ugh.

And now insipid tinny Christmas music at the HELLPIT. Who knew there was yet another level to my Hell.....

Oh if anyone is interested in the link to Haydain's website...

www.jacksoul.com

Grumbling along....

2009-11-22T22:16:00.004-05:00

Well I was feeling great after my getaway this week, but today was a bit of a bummer. I did something to my neck and I cannot even turn it to the left. Z was grumbly this morning too, but then X wanted to go off with daddy to see his other brother, so Z and I did have a good afternoon. We rummaged around Walmart and found some good deals...ie a princess outfit for Z and a Christmas gift for a baby Z adores. Also got cat litter...yummy!

We came home and Z played with the new dolly that drinks milk, and we did some word flash cards. Then snacks....always a highlight. X came home all excited from his outing, and I must say I felt jealous that he enjoyed it so much and didn't even seem to miss me. So I felt grumbly again. Watched the Amazing Race, but no one was eliminated...ugh. Then I have just tuned into the Music Awards, and I am not impressed. Whitney still looks like a cokehead, and her singing is questionable at best. Alicia Keys just seems to wail. I don't know why her last two songs get so much play I think they are repetitive and high pitched. But then much of popular music seems terrible to me lately. Just don't make me think about that nutty auto tune crap!

Well back to the harsh reality of the HELLPIT tomorrow. Talk about wailing and grumbling.....

Imaginary Pandemic

2009-11-21T10:48:00.001-05:00

I got the newspaper at my door again this morning. All about flu again I see. There is an article about the outbreak being over, with a full page ad two pages later urging people to get the shot. I tend to agree that the flu is all but gone, at least what I see from HELLPIT. A third wave is possible but historically unlikely. Why is my tax money paying for full page scare-mongering? Just saying.....

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Dessert yum

2009-11-20T20:49:00.003-05:00

Look! It's a lemon mousse with a blood orange gelatin topping....

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

A very nice wine

2009-11-20T20:40:00.001-05:00

I got to enjoy this very nice Cabernet Sauvignon with my meal. I also had the foie gras and the striploin. I am feeling pleasantly full now with my Earl Grey. Hmmm... This is nice. I might try the pool or just listen to some tunes tonight. I am posting from my Iphone for the first time. I have to admit this is the most useful electronic toy I have ever owned...

-- Posted from my iPhone by Pinky Bear

Divorce rates

2009-11-20T14:40:00.006-05:00

I am holed away for a few days to escape my reality. Ha. I am still here as you can see. The newspaper landed outside my door this morning with a interesting headline about divorce rates. They seem to be on the decline. The writer thinks it is due to the decline in the feminazis and he may have a point. It was still a poorly written article.

I came all the way here to not think about this, and it hits me back in the face. Lucky me. I did have a very nice dinner last night, with an excellent cabernet-merlot blend. I have been drinking a lot of Earl Grey, and I found some cool winter hats for the creatures. My room has my favourite dragonfly light, just like last time. And the bed is very comfortable. I wish I could stay for a month. I wish I could turn my brain off....

Y says I should include pictures, so here they are...

Constant Cravings

2009-11-17T02:50:00.002-05:00

Today I ate dumplings. I had been thinking of them for the past few days. I went to Spring Rolls with a friend and ordered the pork and shrimp ones, with the hot sauce....heaven!

I get cravings for the most diverse food items. Another one lately is for ice cold Cokes. You know, the so cold ones that are almost frozen. Preferably from a glass bottle, and even more preferably made with cane sugar not that corn syrup crap. I remember the real taste from when I was a kid, and from Mexico, where you could get the real thing about ten years ago. Unfortunately on my recent trip there I could only find the crappy kind. Ice cold coke in a frosted glass with extra ice....mmmm...

I found out tonight that while I was out the creatures ate another one of my cravings....corned beef and rice. There was no food in the house so T and H made them some, and I missed out. I think that was my last hoarded corn beef can in the cupboard. Now is that corn beef, or corned beef? I am not sure. I doubt H made it with ketchup though, and that's the best way to make it, not forgetting the red peppers and pepper sauce too....damn I missed it.

I get like this with food when I am trying to cut down on my consumption. I have started back at the gym and have promptly gained 4 pounds. That's my crazy metabolism for you!

I am escaping reality for a few days this week as I am going to a posh hotel to hide. I haven't even booked a spa day, as I hope to sleep in. The creatures getting up so much at night, along with H and his early morning shifts, are wreaking havoc with my ability to get a solid block of sleep. Now I am into anxiety mode and its not helping. I will try to find some sleep inducing drugs to take on my retreat, or maybe just some good red wine.

The good red wine is another craving...maybe I will find a new one on my outing....

The House of Cards

2009-11-16T02:20:00.002-05:00

H has now changed his tune. The house we bought last year he now wants to renovate and fix so he has a place to "escape". I asked if this meant he was moving out, and he claimed it did not. However, it is 3 doors away from us, I have no key and have only been in it twice, and he is choosing all the reno stuff himself. Hmmmm....

Sounds like he's bailing to me. Lucky him, I paid the down payment, I pay the mortgage, and the reno fees, and he gets to live there! He thinks I am crazy for stating that this is not fair. I am stuck as I would like to force him to leave, but it would upset the creatures. I also suggested counseling, and he of course refused. He says there is no problem, other than I am messy. He has been here 10 yrs to decide I am too messy now. I must be incredibly dense but none of this makes any sense. I told him I can't keep up the payments for the new house. He thinks he will somehow afford it in 6 months. I have no idea what will magically happen then.

I have been avoiding the issue really. It hurts my head to think about it. He carries on as if nothing is happening, and sometimes I wish he would just finish the renos and move out soon.

All this is so much easier when dealing with other people's relationships. When I try to think clearly about it all its as if a loud heavy metal band is playing in my head. I am too emotional and not rational. So I stick with hugging the creatures, and making them feel safe, loved and happy. Its all I can manage right now.....

Early morning BAH

2009-11-04T16:27:00.003-05:00

The creatures do not get the change in the time. Every day this week they have jumped on me around 5:30 am. Usually X first,claiming that he wanted to "hug me awake", and informing me that the clock reads something like 5,3,8. I groggily inform him that he should not even tell me anything until the first number is an 8. He then tries to get me to agree to the TV being on. I tell him no, but he can cuddle.....he lasts about 2 minutes being quiet when he must tell me what the clock says again. I send him back to his room. I know that will buy me about 5 minutes before both of them are at it again. They usually are complaining about each other, Z is trying to kiss me, or X is jabbing me with his elbows and knees. I doze fitfully.

Around 7:30 I throw in the towel and get up. They have usually dressed themselves, with some minor mishaps. Time to clean the cat litter! Joy. Thank God on weekdays T is around to get the creatures off to school. I get the paper and see what crisis is allegedly occurring now. FLU!!!! DEAD KID!!!! I cannot really read the articles as they are confusing and poorly written as if by some ADHD grade 1 student. The pronoun usage, and misplaced phrases are daunting especially before coffee. All this with lovely background music of some kid CD, which I quickly switch to the classics station in hope of calming the creatures.

Then off to the HELLPIT! What fun!

Much Ado About The Flu

2009-10-30T22:45:00.003-04:00

So......
Let me start by saying that I am very sure I had the dreaded swine flu back at the beginning of the whole story. I met up with someone who was coming home from Mexico and was very ill, and two days later...WHAM...fever from Hell. Also cough and worsening asthma, and a vague stomach thing but no vomiting. I DID NOT DIE. Found out that there were 3 confirmed cases on that plane...so fairly sure it was THE flu. Therefore the new vaccine is unlikely to help me, or the creatures for that matter, as they were all over me when I was ill and then got ill themselves....and they are fine.

I do not get the seasonal flu shot. Originally it was only for seniors or those with bad immune systems, so that their own immune system was boosted. Now it is suggested all get the annual flu shot. Interesting.

People born before 1957 do not seem to get H1N1. They have a natural immunity. What will happen when all who rely on seasonal flu shots get older? What happens if the wrong strains are picked or the vaccine not made one year? Will they have any immunity?

The people who are getting bad flus now, how many had seasonal flu shots?

And who is making all that money from billions who rely on seasonal flu shots?

I don't think the flu shots make you grow a third arm or anything. I think they probably very rarely have bad side effects. Its the long term consequences I am concerned with. I have no problem with vaccines against the nasties with bad track records for death and morbidity, and that don't change constantly. But perhaps immunization is not the wisest choice of attack against a type of virus that is so variable. Perhaps our own immune systems do a better job.

Medicine cannot prevent everything, and its first duty to its patients is to do no harm...

Falling Bridges

2009-10-02T21:37:00.002-04:00

I see them falling without any sound
Slowly, from the overcast pallid sky
Down upon the stoic unyielding sea
Breaking the calm.

They all fall singularly and whole
Receding into the unblemished surface
As if some strange undertow was pulling
Them ever downwards.

And I can see them falling vividly
Their oranges, greens and rust contrasting the gray
Majestic structures, sturdy and strong
Man made to weather.

A New Year

2009-01-12T06:48:00.002-05:00

Yes I know. I have been absent again. I just get into these moods and I feel completely overwhelmed and think that it is just not worthwhile to try anything extra except just existing....

Anyway, I did get to Mexico with my sister, but she has become a little crazy to say the least. Menopause. Her anxiety is through the roof, and she was worse than I am. She even got upset about some restaurant booking but we were in an all inclusive resort so there was 24-7 food! Nuts. She could not relax and therefore I couldn't either. Sigh.

Then the whole Christmas thing. At least this year H's family invited me to their dinner and not his ex. Well thats a bit dramatic, its just that she would invite herself and no one had the balls to tell her to bow out, as I should have been going. I didn't push it as I figured it would work out and it did this year. I think Uncle Desmond was the one to say something, but I doubt I will ever find that out! My mom was happy she didn't have to cook for the creatures, even though I always tell her she shouldn't. They were just happy to see her, as she has been ill and then they were. I can't take them to Nana when they are sick.

My nutty brother twisted his ankle and moaned the whole holiday. It would heal better if he wasn't so large.... I did get him a walking cast, as he expected me to wash his underwear since he couldn't climb the stairs...um, no.

The house is going through and we take possession on the 15th. Of course I am now worried it is too close to the road and some fumes or dirt is getting in the yard, but we do live in townhouses and this one is only four doors down, so really not much different. My brain seems to want to worry about something all the time.

H has noticed this time of year is bad for me. I am shocked. I thought he only lived in his own oblivion.... I really don't know why this time is bad; it has always been that way for me. My Dad died at Christmas a few years back which doesn't help....

I had to have a tube put in my ear as it wasn't draining after the colds in December and the Mexico flight. Now someone is getting me worried I have nasopharyngeal cancer causing the ear not to drain....I will have to call the ENT again to see if he wants to do further testing but he never seemed concerned. I think she is being alarmist as usual...but now I am worrying about that too....

Well off to change cat litter...oh joy....

Mama said there would be days like this...

2008-12-10T01:09:00.002-05:00

Psychotic.

Today was a day that was crazy. H was being good to me and actually cleaned off and warmed up the SUV before I left for work. As usual, no one could drive as it was snowing and they all freaked out. I was late to get to HELLPIT.

Then the weirdness. I am going away for a week and I seriously wonder about the sanity of the people who get frantic that I may not be available to them for a short period of time. I am not that crucial to their existance. I wonder why people have become so needy. It just saps the life out of me. So I had to deal with their imagined crises.

My staff was not helping. They managed to screw things up and get someone pissed off. So I had to deal with it, in the midst of putting out the imaginary fires everyone else was having. At least someone brought cookies....

Then off to the bank in a rush to set up buying this new house. I didn't have time to change into my boots and got my feet thoroughly soaked. Sucks. It was fun playing on my I-phone while H did the deal with the banker. I was so proud of him! I just quietly reminded the bank guy that due to the recession I doubted he would have many people in wanting a new mortgage or being able to carry one, so he had best be givng us a stellar deal.....I could always go to the other bank who keeps calling me about setting up an income tax protected account...I have to admit it was a bit of a trip!

Then tonight I went to a dinner meeting. Boring as usual, but the highlight was watching the guy beside me pour about half a shaker of salt on his salmon....
He must have some odd adrenal problem.

I got home late and am now way too tired to pack for my trip. I work until late tomorrow too and then I am flying on Thursday. I have to remember to pay all the bills or they will be late if I wait till I am back. ARGH.

This day had no real flow....it went all over the place....rather psychotic.....

Dead Turkey

2008-12-02T22:54:00.003-05:00

Yes I am posting again so soon. I just realized that my nose is unwell. I was wondering why everything in the house smelled like dead turkey. I know T did not cook turkey today. X just woke up coughing and with a bad dream. H informs me that Z is unhappy too. It must be viral illness time again.....CRAP

I thought we just finished this Hell. My mom was sick for almost two months with the last one, but of course she refuses to believe in medical science. She just did her usual moaning about dying and being too unwell to see the doctor....which obviously makes some twisted sense in her mind.

I have also been sounding like a smoking alcoholic lately too, but I chalked it up to the constant yelling at X with his horrible defience issue. Obviously not. I may have imported this virus from the HELLPIT. Damn.

And I am leaving next week for Mexico too. I hate being ill on vacation. At least H will be home with T and the creatures, in case they are still unwell. I am going with Auntie B and her husband and her in-laws....yes I am the buffer....

The Weight of the World

2008-12-02T22:21:00.002-05:00

I have been religious about this gym thing. I have been sticking to cardio as I really want to lose the pounds. I hate cardio. I have not lost a pound. I usually do a brisk walk on the treadmill for at least 20 min, and no, I cannot run as I seem to fall off when I try dammit. I then do 20 min on the stairmaster, and end with 10 min on the stationary bike, but have been skipping that lately as I really don't think its doing much for me and I really hate it. I am starting the incline on the treadmill now and have managed to get to level 5 on the stairmaster.....still no weight loss.... All this since March too.

Its so damn frustrating. I know I have PCOS, and its hard to lose weight, but seriously I would be the last one alive in any kind of famine. I wonder how people with brisk metabolisms survived evolution anyway. I would think they would all die off in times of hunger...so that makes them the genetic freaks, right?

I have seen the gastric bypass patients. It looks promising, as they say they feel they had a food addiction and now they are free. I want that too, but the thought of a surgery is daunting. Hmmmm... My plan was to attack the gym, lose the weight and then try for a tummy tuck for the excess stomach from the creatures, but its so damn slow.

The peppermint mochas from Starbuck's conveniently located between the gym and HELLPIT don't help either. I am now addicted to Starbuck's. I heard they may be filing for some chapter 11 or something in the States which I take as going bankrupt, but they seem to be going strong here. I was a Tim's person, but the vanilla bean frappucinos in the summer did me in. And the Tim's by HELLPIT makes the worse mochas ever.

Even the creatures know Starbuck's and Tim Horton's. They identify with those brands even better than McDonald's. I wonder what this really means? I wonder how long it is until they crave the caffeine? They certainly don't need it now. But am I ever glad that caffeine wasn't as taboo in pregnancy back then as it is now. The caffeine and the chocolate were what kept my life sane during that crazy time.....as usual now both these things are allegedly bad for fetuses....what next?

All about the Benjamins

2008-11-24T00:58:00.002-05:00

So H has been playing nice because he has a scheme. And currently no job. So said scheme needs to be financed by yours truly. Hmmm. Its not a bad idea, he is thinking of buying the neighbour's house and renting it out. That's good in that I know my RRSPs have tanked due to the economy, and investing in property would diversify things a bit. He would obviously be available to look after the property, and anything done to it would be tax deductable.

The wrench in the works is the down payment. I have no clue how to swing that. The mortgage payments would be fine, just that damn lump sum up front. If only we could delay things about four months. Just thinking about money is depressing. If only we had no income tax to pay, I would have a lot to play with. In Canada, the tax man always gets you. Making more money just means more taxes, so I seem to never get ahead. But I do rather like his idea. For once. I could incorporate and pay less tax, I just don't know how difficult or expensive that is. I will ponder this some more.....the worse case is that it just won't fly, but I know I will stress over it, as that is my nature.

I went Christmas shopping for the creatures today. Z will get the sick pony with the doctor's kit. I need to get the digger for X still. Both are getting Leap Frogs from Mommy. I don't really buy for anyone else. I need to get them into some physical activity for the winter so they can keep active. There is not a lot of room to run in the house, and they get all couped up in the cold weather.

I am debating to mention to H how nice he is being to me lately and to ask if he could please continue it. If I address it it may disappear...

Snow Tires

2008-11-20T21:57:00.002-05:00

The dreaded 4 letter word. Its Evil and its back! SNOW. I think it will be a chilly and snowy winter, but probably not cold enough to stop the snow. You see, if its too cold it won't snow. I never know which to hope for, snow or cold. But this year I got snow tires! Yeah! I haven't had them in years, maybe never. They really do make a difference. Last night I came home from HELLPIT after the first slight snowfall of the year that had stayed on the ground. There was black ice underneath, and it was not slippy at all with the tires. Of course you must watch the other drivers as they are all nuts. Most driving 20 km an hour and stomping on their brakes so you almost rear end them. Sigh. I only got the tires and rims as an add on when I bought the new SUV. I LOVE my SUV. Its best described as menacing. It feels good being in it after a HELLPIT day. Sometimes I wish I could stick huge tires on it and drive it over tiny cars as a monster truck....

OK enough wishful thinking. Like some fool I have agreed to go in to HELLPIT on Thursday mornings for a few hours. What was I thinking? I am dead after the Monday to Wednesday 12 hr days. I feel like a zombie. I will have to see by next paycheque if it is worth it at all. I didn't even get to Christmas shopping this afternoon as I was too fried after coming home. I fell asleep while the creatures danced with T. Then we took them swimming. I just wish Z would stop swallowing the water. Poor thing looked so much like a drown puppy. X was brave today. I think he may be getting along with H a little better since H has been home full time....hmmmmm...

November Rain

2008-11-15T23:45:00.003-05:00

Crappy cold rain. Wind. The whole day sucked. I woke up in some brain fog and even caffeine couldn't shake it. The creatures went to get their hair braided and I went to the gym. That wasn't bad, but I learned that X had a meltdown. I told him he was too old for that now. I had to jump over nasty puddles...I hate that.

The creatures didn't want a nap, but of course H did. He got grumpy when they woke him up. We went to dinner and I had pasta that sucked.

When we got home my back hurt again, I took Advil and now my stomach hurts. That sucks. I watched H texting God knows who like some fanatic. When it got late he went for a shower and I went to bed. Then he has the gall to suggest fooling around. I pretended I was asleep. If he can be so damn passive aggressive then so can I. Last week he called me a sex addict because I would like sex more often than once a week. So I told him not to worry about it, I would lose the libido. And I have. I am just fed up with him not being affectionate and not spending any time with me unless it involves the kids. I wish I had my own bedroom....no maybe my own house. He should be careful what he asks for he may just get it.....

The gym is my lover now. I spend every day there, and I feel very nasty if I don't get there. It has become my priority, as H doesn't make me one of his, so the gym trumps him now. He asks me where I am and its always the same answer....I hope he gets tired of it. Interesting how I have actually put on 5 lbs since I started working out. That would be my crappy metabolism. I would be the last one alive in a famine as I can gain weight just by thinking about food.

Here we go again....

2008-11-12T23:03:00.004-05:00

I am sitting on my bed once again listening for Z's goose cough. She has the croup back. I hate going to work when she is sick, especially when I know she is asking for me. Last night I think I got about 2 hours of sleep only. She is so overtired tonight she is having trouble sleeping even though she is not coughing so badly. X is not doing half as badly. I just want to cuddle up to her, but then I know neither of us would sleep at all. And to think I just opened my day tomorrow at HELLPIT to make some more money for Christmas....I just want to be home with the creatures. Thank God for T...I know she cuddles them for me!

I have a new toy. Its the iphone. It really is cool. And sexy...definately sexy. I hope I figure out the keyboard for texting though...right now I feel like my fingertips are logs! I was going to wait for the Blackberry Storm, but the iphone seems to have better graphics for amusing the creatures and surfing. Maybe I will learn how to update my blog from it. I must admit I have gotten quite a few toys lately, but I don't often do this. I need to start looking for the Santa stuff....X wants a Tonka digger and Z wants the sick pony with the doctor kit. Right now all I want is for them to feel better....

We have been trying to get T to drive. I must say it has been trying. She would rather do the simulation on the computer than the real thing. X already knows how to drive. He told me how you must turn the key in the ignition and pull the lever to drive, while your foot is on the left pedal which is the brake. Then you use the right pedal to "vroom". Much more that T seems to know....

We All Want to Save the World....

2008-11-04T00:58:00.006-05:00

So the Americans have their big day today. Of course I rather like the charisma of Obama, but I wonder if he can keep the momentum of his campaign up. It is so much more interesting than our lackluster election....who to vote for, dumb or dumber? I wonder if it was like this in the 60's with Kennedy. I cannot remember as I was too young...I am not that ancient.

I think it is good to have had a candidate who wasn't completely white also. Diversity is a good thing, as was having a woman in the race, although Hilary I found a bit hard to believe. I must say Obama's books were actualy interesting to read too.

I have been having a hard time reading these days. Today, for example, I was up at 7:15 to clean the kitty litter, HELLPIT by about 9 (I am always late), no break till 4 pm to pee, then not out of HELLPIT until 9:30pm. Then I hit the gym for my hour of cardio and CSI Miami, and home by 11:30 pm. I snuck in to kiss the creatures who woke up enough to remind me that they love me and say good night...how sweet. I managed to avoid H all day! My new gym addiction keeps me away from following TV shows on a regular basis, which is a good thing as I was getting too crazy in the last few years following too many. I still check the Facebook though.

Oh, my scattered brain reminds me that I didn't write about the creatures watching the You Tube videos. They seem to like Beatles songs and the Dumbo lullaby the best. Z has also learned some Marley tunes from her cousin, and was mystified that I actually knew the words. Mommy knows all....

Soft Warm Wool

2008-10-26T12:20:00.004-04:00

I have decided to learn how to knit. I bought a book, but its very confusing, and I found a video online to watch. I will sit down and do it. I feel the need to connect to some ancient skill, and I really did know how to at one time as a child.

It was the Friday Night Knitting Club book that got me started. It was very good. I have even gone to Walkeranddaughter.com to sign up. I hope I will be commited to this. I need the calm. I am so tired of worry....of money, of whether I should be scouting out better schools for the creatures, of what will happen to H and I. Hopefully I will make something useful.

Well, its back to HELLPIT...I am writing from here today, but the natives are restless...

Comfortably Numb

2008-10-17T12:02:00.005-04:00

I realize I have been trying to achieve my Nirvana. I can attain a comfortably numb state sometimes and just drift with my life. I have entered this again, hopefully for a good while. I am just tired of taking things so seriously. HELLPIT, H, and my relatives... I think I will only have long conversations with the creatures. I don't want to be numb with them. I have a new hoodie that I rather like. It seems to be what I need now, and I love the feel of the hood just barely over my eyes. I use the excuse that I am cold when asked by T or H. I just am hiding.

I have taken to observing what is going on in my life, but not participating. It really doesn't help anyway. I try to fight the inevitable, but it simply causes stress. My goal is to ignore stress. This morning H started his griping at the creatures over breakfast, and I know anything I say or do will simply make it worse, so I left. That actually seemed to help as I heard no more loudness when I went upstairs. Maybe he only gets this way when I am around. So I am trying to remove myself from the rooms he is in. Last night in bed he asked what was wrong with me, and I told him nothing, as I am just "silly"...after all isn't that what he said I was? Thats what he said I was when I asked him what was wrong with our relationship a few months ago. So I must be silly as its best if he is always right. Then he doesn't get defensive.

I really don't want to sleep on the couch so I have created a pillow wall beside me. Now he must be happy as he cannot see my book light when I read late at night. I suggested buying a condo, but he didn't get my drift. I just don't have the energy to explain it to him as he won't listen anyway....

I like using books as my escape....they have worked well since I was a small child. It drives H mad that I am usually reading 2 or 3 at a time, and I leave them all over. Ha. I am so passive agressive sometimes, and it annoys me but I feel that is my only recourse with H.

I hope to get the creatures out of the house after nap. I hope H doesn't invite himself. He always worries that it is too something....cold, rainy, hot, icy, etc to go out. I will try to convince him it is going to rain....but it is awfully sunny. Or I could suggest he really should go to the gym for longer today....I am sure his triceps need attention.

I am hoping to go to a movie later tonight....Passchendale. I will wear the hoodie, order extra butter on popcorn, and drive to a theatre far away. Driving this time of the year is relaxing, with the smell of fallen leaves and the crisp air. Then I can crank up my stereo. I just bought the new Darius Rucker CD, even though its country, and I have Nas and Neo-Yo too. Maybe something loud would be appropriate.....

Duck, duck, GOOSE !

2008-10-08T01:21:00.002-04:00

Well I am awake because my little Z just woke with croup. She looked so terrified, and just wanted me to hold her. It broke my heart. Luckily H was able to find the 24 hr drug store and get a prescription filled. I am so glad we avoided an ER visit as I am sure the creatures would get more ill just being in one. Z sounded just like a goose, and actually calmed down when I told her that. She likes geese. Now I will watch her tonight like another bird....the hawk.

I got good news from the Zombie yesterday. Seems my tongue actually looks better than before. Maybe the vitamin D drops are working. Who knows.

I wonder how long before X gets felled with this croup. H is sheepish as he knows they caught it from the drippy cousin on the weekend. He is always sick. H knows I would be annoyed to learn that drippy was in the van with the creatures while he was coughing a lung up.

Well I must go back to check on my little goose. I hope both creatures are asleep now. I know I won't get much rest.....

Back in Time

2008-09-28T21:48:00.002-04:00

I was away for 4 days in a very old mill in Elora. I slept a lot. I missed the creatures and found I spent copious amounts of my time thinking of them. They are becoming very independent, and I cannot wait for the time when I can make trips like this with them. I saw wire and gauze monster sculptures that they would have loved. I think I may try to make some with them. I got to see the glass blowers, and bought a glass pumpkin. I ate a lot, perhaps too much. No good hot chocolate or mochas though...what a shame. I wonder if they will like the same things I do. I hope I get a chance to do all these things with them. My scare with the tongue dysplasia is always hovering in my head.

Its like a little whisper really. Just a reminder that we are all mortal and I cannot stay with my creatures forever like I would love to. I hear it when I get angry about the unimportant things. I hear it when I deal with H. I wonder if thats a good thing or not. I do worry about the tongue thing still, and keep thinking that side of it looks odd. I am going to the zombie in early October so I guess I get his opinion. I also put a call in to my oral surgeon to have a look earlier than my January appointment. I should count myself lucky for being able to move my appointments like this.

I then wonder how this all happened. No one knows, as I don't smoke and only drink a glass of wine occassionally. In fact, this occurred after I was pregnant and I hadn't had a drink in about three years.

I have got to stop looking in the past or the future. I am trying to live in the Now.
I just want to enjoy what happens day to day with my creatures, and make them realize that there is no way I could love them any more than I do now....

Autumn

2008-09-21T21:16:00.003-04:00

I have been very busy lately. This is my favourite time of year. Finally the weather has been co operating and the days have been sunny and warm. The creatures have been loving the park. School is in now, so there is hardly anyone there. No hovering helicopter mothers, or rude children who are not reprimanded by the helicopter mothers. God knows, their much awaited IVF child would never be inconsiderate and try to steal toys or taunt others. But if this child falls...oh my God....I am sure they will be whisked to the ER immediately. Sigh. The creatures try to make friends and be sociable, but these kids are anti-social...I think its because they often have no siblings. My creatures have told me they prefer the park to be vacant...

Now we have an abundance of apples...we all went a little nuts with the apple picking. We had a blast though, and got lost in the corn maze. We rescued a woolly bear caterpillar from a hovering bird and are feeding it dandelion leaves. X loves woolly bear and insists on taking it into the bathroom with him...woolly poos so much it has inspired X who previously was not going poo so he could see if the poo would eventually come out of his mouth. I think Z told him that. I think all the apples will help too. The farms don't have school trips yet, so weekday ventures are not crowded there either....bliss.

We also went to the CN tower and played eye spy. We met some nice people from Amsterdam who loved the creatures. Z was afraid of the weird security machine that puffs air at you...X loved it, but I think he was being brave to make up for his fear of the slide in the orchard...Z raced down it before him or the other little man.

I will be going away next weekend for 4 days on my own....and I will try not to think. I want to just BE. I need to recover from the ungrateful slugs at HELLPIT who are snarky and catty. And some thug wannabe tried to steal my wallet at HELLPIT this week. I seriously think we all must have psychiatric disorders to want to continue dealing with these people. And that damn CRA who takes all my cash anyway, so why do I work so much?

My dream job is working at a Starbucks or Second Cup, preferably as an illegal immigrant who gets paid under the table. But I bet the pay would suck...

I wish I were a little bit smaller....

2008-08-23T22:17:00.003-04:00

Well I have been fighting the battle of the bulge again. I have been a regular at the gym for a few months now, but I cannot see how I have managed to gain 10 lbs. ARGGGGH. I hate the gym. I do love the endorphin high after, but I hate being there.

I have been thinking of a gastric bypass. I am so tired of the constant weight loss battle. I now feel when my sugar goes up, and have been avoiding carbs. I have been on BP meds for a few years now. At least the gym has allowed me to decrease some of those.

One thing that worries me is the whole tongue thing. God forbid the dysplasia or even cancer crops up again...then its instant weight loss again. And logistically, if I have to get a PEG put in I may have problems. I will have to check that out. I have been trying to avoid the whole tongue issue, but it shadows everything now.

I cannot seem to pretend to eat as if I had a bypass...

For Once in my Life

2008-08-16T00:05:00.002-04:00

For once in my life I wish I had my own bathroom. We all shared one when I was growing up...my parents and 2 sisters and brother and me. We had to have a shower schedule or the hot water would run out. Then I had roommates in school; a large communal bathroom for a whole floor in the women's dorm at TGH. For a year I lived with two guys, one of whom peed on the floor all the time. Then a male roommate who never cleaned...but then I did have my own bathroom...so really I guess from then until H moved in I did have my own. Here in my house I had 2 and a half to myself until he arrived.

Now I wish I had my own again. Men have selective vision with cleaning issues. They seem to only see things others have messed up. Since T has been on vacation this week the place hasn't been cleaned, and it shows. I have been letting the crust grow on the hinge of back of the toilet seat for quite some time now. Obviously I didn't pee there, as that would be anatomically impossible.

So tonight I go in and sit down on a wet seat. Puzzling. I ask H what happened. Oh he had to plunge was the response. Apparently he never learned to lift the seat while plunging. Well now the seat and hinge et al. are clean, and I had an extra shower. My crust experiment has been aborted. I will resume it again I am sure. Interesting how an open book on a kitchen counter is abysmal, but toilet crust is not noticed. Alas I am the only one in this house who actually reads books that are not illustrated...well other than T that is.....

How Odd

2008-08-10T22:32:00.002-04:00

I am wondering if X has ODD. All day he just defied me. I took away three toys, and did a time out. I think it is attention seeking, but I have no clue how to give him more attention. He deliberately does naughty things. Then Z had to bite the pink glowstick and get flourescent stuff in her mouth. To top it off, H comes home after looking after the other son for the weekend and just takes off, leaving me here with the kids in bed. I really wanted to get out of the house. When I called and told him he was, as usual, angry at me. I took a walk in the dark. He gets to go to the gym...how sacred...at 6 tomorrow morning while I am back with the creatures. No HELLPIT this week, but with X acting like this, I don't know what is worse.

I wish I had some friends close. My friends either have older kids, no kids, or hate kids. And most live too far away. The creatures are so tiring, I know I should be in bed now to deal with them tomorrow. I feel bad that I cannot drive for hours to see people, and staying over makes me miss the creatures and they just get upset too. No winning here. I adore them but they are difficult for me. I am more adept at the HELLPIT. I should have had them when I was younger.

I know how X feels...I think I have ODD...

If I had a hammer...

2008-08-05T23:45:00.002-04:00

Advanced green....you know, those little green arrows that let you make your left turn before the oncoming taffic barges through. Every morning I drive to HELLPIT I encounter one. The light always turns red before I get there, and I am usually stuck behind a few others waiting for the green arrow. Remember...most of the other drivers do the same commute every morning too. Then why, oh why, are they so awestruck with the green arrow that they sit there staring at it? Then only 2 cars get through an advanced green when at least 5 should have. I have started to honk. It makes me feel a bit better, but usually they take longer to turn as they search for who and why they were honked. Thank God I have no tire iron or baseball bat in my vehicle...I so see myself getting out and beating the crap out of the moronic woman...yes, woman....who usually is staring at the green arrow.

HELLPIT sure makes me STABBY...

When Bad things happen...

2008-08-03T20:28:00.002-04:00

So, this poor dude got his head ripped off by some crazy guy on a bus. This has been fascinating. I have found conspiracy theories starting already on the internet, but really it seems the world forgets that stuff just happens sometimes...and sometimes it really sucks. The conspiracy theories in themselves are interesting, and perhaps reveal more about the theorists and our society than this tragic event does. Even for a psychotic break this was remarkable....

I had to go to HELLPIT today. That place will make me have a psychotic break one day. I did go to the gym and got over an hour of cardio done. I even went swimming. I need to get the creatures swimming soon. The change rooms at this gym are very clean, so I won't have too much trouble with that issue. I have to work out the logistics of dealing with them both on my own....I find it is wise to think ahead with these two. That is what is easier with one. I took Z out alone the other day and it was a complete cakewalk....no planning, no eyes in the back of head required.

I am tired but I have to think of what to do tomorrow. H claims he will set up their new beds. I would like to fly a kite if it is sunny. I am sure he won't join us...

The Warm Thrill of Delusion

2008-08-01T18:27:00.002-04:00

Last night I think I entered a time warp. I actually had a very good dinner with H. It was like old times. He even admitted it was fun. Now we will see if this gets repeated. Of course the red wine didn't hurt.

Today we went to something that was to have been a concert in Nathan Philips...it was virtually deserted, and metal chairs set in the blazing sun are not conducive to people listening. We found a park and played on the slide. We did not find ice cream. We came home and watered the garden, and I watered the creatures. T brought out the shampoo and we just bathed them on the back deck in the sun...

I found mice droppings in our shed. This of course prompted a Google search on hantavirus. It seems rare here anyway, so I will try not to obsess about it. I hope H will clean out the shed.

T has been holding out on us...it seems she has her G1 drivers license. I am dying to take her out for lessons. I think she may be terrified...

Dreamer

2008-07-31T17:17:00.002-04:00

I hate that all I think about now is this relationship. I hate how I lose sleep over it, and yet H sleeps like a baby. I am obsessing. He claims he is taking me to dinner tonight and I can bet he has made no reservations or put any thought to this at all. I sent him an email of my grudges against him and I can bet he hasn't read it. I dread issuing the ultimatum, but it is the last thing I can do, unless I want to live in this disrespectful environment that seems to be causing X too much stress...

Enough.

I am looking to find a place for the creatures a few half days a week. I am caving to the fact that they need to learn how to behave in a school environment. How I hate organized schooling; it is the same poison as organized religion. Unfortunately I cannot stay home all day with them, and they have to learn how these crazy organizations work. They need to learn to use them as a means to an end.

We had a picnic lunch in the garden today, and walked to the Acorn school, which is conveniently close to a Starbucks. It is too far for T to walk them all the time though. Wish she would learn to drive. I am hoping to get them some music lessons at Cosmo in the fall too.

Z got a new giraffe for having 7 dry nights. She has quite a collection now. My brother was going to get me The God Delusion, but I have read it already....how about the School Delusion?

Rainy Days always get me down

2008-07-26T20:49:00.002-04:00

The Rain....
Need I say more. This summer has been a washout so far. I have been trying to get out with the Creatures, but have ended up at the mall more often than not. H has been away and just got back...so far he is not in the Black Cloud, but I think I am.

I was feeling very grumpy this morning and even told the Creatures that they needed to leave me alone. I am sure it was because H was getting back. I will have to think about him now, and I was blissfully ignoring his issues while he was gone. We did have a good day at the Scottish festival; they both loved the bagpipers.

I was trying to give H the benefit of the doubt with not calling on my Bday, but he outright admits that he forgot. Lovely. And he didn't even get me anything. Lovely. And he lures me into bed after almost 2 weeks without sex and he is selfish. Really Lovely. What am I doing here? I cannot even think of anything I can do to make myself feel better. I could eat the birthday cake I bought for myself but then I would just feel fat. I could go for a drive but I would feel alone. So I write. I don't even feel I can call anyone...who really wants to hear it? There is no use expressing dipleasure to H, he will just descend more quickly into the Black Cloud and then it will be hellish for all of us in this house.

In a perfect world I would have a wonderful lover lined up who actually cared to talk to me, but this is not reality. So I sit here while he adds obscure people to his Facebook friends and my Creatures sleep...hopefully they have good dreams....

The Wall

2008-07-12T02:12:00.002-04:00

The issue lately is the Wall. H has added more stones to his wall between us. My sister has been visiting and T is off on holiday. H has not been helping with the creatures at all, other than the bath. He got angry with me for not emptying the dishwasher last week, and I pointed out that he complains when I do, as I apparently put things in all the wrong places. I told him last year I would not empty it again. He forgot this and demanded that I empty it. Well I got angry...usually I just let stuff like this go but it has been happening too much lately.

So he has been sullen all week. I mentioned this to him last night and he stonewalled me. He would not even turn his head to look at me, then told me he would leave if I continued to ask him about his mood. It was cartoonish really. He has no clue how his bad moods poison the whole house. X in particular acts up when he is in his "black cloud" mood. These moods are palpable.

In any event, I asked if he would go for counselling, of course, the answer is no. I told him I would leave, except the creatures are here. He is off on vacation next week and I am seriously thinking of asking him not to come back. I just don't like to make a hasty decision, but this has been a long time coming. He spends no time with the creatures other than bathing and some bedtimes. He will not go out with them, or engage them in play. When he does spend time he corrects and yells constantly. I have tried to discuss this and to encourage him to be more positive with them.

I feel like I should have seen this coming as he has an older son whom he does this to also. I thought he was taking out his frustration with his ex on him, but now I ralize this is his idea of parenting. One episode,when he commented to his older son that he needs to be a leader not a follower, sticks in my head. He criticizes every move that kid makes so I cannot fathom how he could have any independent thought anymore. Now I am ranting. I just don't want to see the creatures like this. The last time I saw that kid with H he even looked as though he was physically stooping in his presence, and stayed about 2 steps behind like some veiled wife. I sometimes kick myself for having the creatures with him, but I love them dearly.

I know how women feel trapped now. I don't want to deprive my creatures of a father but I don't know if his emotional detachment from them is even more damaging than a physical detachment. I will speak to the counsellor on my own at least.

I haven't even started on his stonewalling of our relationship. I pointed out that he tells people more on that damn cell phone about what he did all day than he does to me and I am standing here asking. I have fantasies of destroying it, and the computer he spends all evening with to avoid me. And don't even ask about the sex life.......where is it? It is good when it happens, but he makes me feel like I impose on him if I ask. So I don't, and everything else seems more important to him than sex. I had sex more often when I lived alone.

Oh but there is nothing wrong with our relationship in his mind. I am just "silly".

I booked a weekend away 2 weeks ago....I have a lovely photo of the back of his head as he ignores everyone at the table at dinner. He claims he cannot enjoy weekends away as he cannot get comfortable in a new bed. But he booked a cruise with a friend of his who is taking his SO. I was not invited. I pointed out that this would show a major disregard for me, but I am "silly".

Another brick in the Wall....

Blog Hiatus

2008-05-25T04:59:00.002-04:00

I have been absent. Mentally and physically.

I went on a surreal trip to the Dominican. A "coconut island" trip filled with sand, peacocks, flowers, sun, water....the usual. As always, it was fun, but nice to be home. I am reminded of how good I have it living here when we drive from the idealistic resort to the airport. The humidity was bizarre after our long staticky winter of never ending snow. Actually the whole trip was bizarre, as I was abandoned by one of our tavel mates, in fact, the one who arranged the trip as it was some family member's wedding. That would be S for you. An existential crisis occured, and she flew out the day after we arrived. I got to spend the whole week with her friend whom I had met briefly twice before...who was fun to be with, and S's family, who were very accomidating. I am sure some people will have wedding pictures with two unknown women in them.

It is bizarre to be parachuted into someone else's family to say the least. Interesting interactions and roles that people have. I got to be the 'fly on the wall'. I was diverted from my life, but I found it hard to relax between the drama over S and the swirl of the wedding. The best day was the first free morning spent alone on the beach listening to Counting Crows, and wondering how I could change my life. I finished the Tolle book though, and realized that I don't know my life's purpose yet...

I came back to the dreaded INCOME TAX HELL. I am so tired of the hamster wheel of tax payments. I wish I could make money a 'non-issue', but I do worry about it. Of course dealing with the creatures makes me realize that I shouldn't, but I do. And just when I think I may have some of TAX HELL licked, H decides to get a new car. I feel bad getting it, but I feel bad thinking I should deny him getting it. I like him to be happy, and buying a new toy does it for him. And I am jealous, as I now feel obligated to keep the Battleship for longer. I hate the colour of it...that's how I named it, as it is battleship grey...a non-colour really. I like the car, just not the colour and I would like to have a new model...sigh. That could have been my 'change'....

Logical

2008-03-25T00:42:00.002-04:00

Today that song by Supertramp is haunting me....I actually sat in the bath and was reading God is not Great when it started. The author was discussing the Bible and how it was obviously written much after events occurred, with 'spin' to enhance the writers' viewpoints. Nothing I hadn't heard or thought of before, as I tend to view any organized religion as simply a means to control the masses, and therefore all about 'spin'. I guess it just hit me that I am trying to teach the creatures an idealistic view of the world and am just setting them up for disappointment. The older I get the more the world seems hypocritical, and I feel no one thinks the way I do. Likely there may be some, but its too frightening to admit your true viewpoint on anything these days....I am never too sure how things will be taken. I just read about a teacher who lost his job for writing poetry online that had some sexual content, even though it wasn't under his real name or in relation to his job. I guess someone had it out for him. Then I get jaded and think I should just teach the creatures to look out for themselves; don't give a damn about others, and don't get caught going against the status quo even if you think it wrong. I should never have bought the Lorax or Horton videos...

Stalkers

2008-03-21T22:02:00.003-04:00

I am being stalked by a large ladybug balloon. It is a leftover from a party the creatures had a few weeks ago. It has followed me up the stairs and into my office. It just lazily floats along and keeps coming back even when I kick it away. I could draw some comparison between it and something in my life but I am too tired to think of any. Its just weird and spooky.

I spent the whole day with the creatures. I am trying to remember when the Bunny should be arriving; as it is I almost forgot all the eggs. I didn't realize today was a holiday and T was off. I was stuck with H too. That's the worse of it...he got tired sitting on the couch watching me play with them and had to take a nap. After they went to bed I went to the gym. I floated in the pool...hmmmm...somewhat like the ladybug balloon...

Chocolate

2008-03-14T20:32:00.002-04:00

It is calling me again....the dreaded chocolate. I must have some. I will search the house for it. I do believe that H has some hidden.

I did go to the gym today, and yesterday. I got an asessment(?) that told me I wasn't in bad shape. That's insane. I guess I have paid a lot for this membership, as they are telling me what I like to hear. But I know its not true. The change rooms are very clean though, and I had no problem getting a treadmill. I hate crowded gyms, and I tend to get homicidal thoughts when I am too close to people. I will attempt to use the pool at some point, but today there were too many kids in it.

B is coming to visit this summer. The creatures are planning where to take her. They would like to fly a kite. Today we watched a video on "Mickey's Castle" that was conveniently sent to our house. Hmmmmm..... I do think we should go there this winter with B. But even the creatures say not with H. He is just unenthusiastic, and sleeps too much.

I need that chocolate....

The Dark Blue Suits

2008-03-06T23:20:00.002-05:00

Newsflash! Got a gym membership today! Will hopefully use it at some point.

I went to the advice dude today. He has confirmed my belief that men are useless. He said that if I want to see more of H I should just arrange something and drag him there. There is no hope that he may actually plan something on his own. In other words, men are useless....sigh

I was persuaded to go to a dinner tonight. I got to eat tough steak with a bunch of men in dark blue suits. I did get a pen and paper to doodle on while some guy who looked like a mortician attempted to enlighten me about some kidney stuff. I kept thinking that he should have shaved his head and pierced his ear. He had arranged a special meal for himself as he kept kosher. The waiter bought it wrapped in that allegedly evil plastic wrap. Interesting. I decided not to mention the FSM as he might have been offended. I was also seated beside the carb hating dude who tries to guilt the fatties into depriving themselves of their comfort food. He himself has unlikely ever had to deprive himself of anything, as he looks like a high metabolizing asian person. It made me eat a lot of bread. And then the dude who thinks milk is unhealthy was sitting across from me. I really enjoyed the cheese. Too bad H can't come to these dinners...he enjoys irony as much as me. He got to stay home and deal with X who finally pooped after 4 days.

I did get to spend time with the creatures though. I chased them with 2 R's....Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Then I threw them into some snow. There is no shortage of that around here. It's too damp now, and the cold just goes through you, ugh. If I were a man I wouldn't be wearing a dark blue suit in this weather. I think I would choose something happier. But then I wouldn't fit in with the other undertakers.....

I read the news today...

2008-02-21T22:24:00.002-05:00

So now I am confused. T is staying. I am somewhat annoyed with her. I also have to deal with taxes. The creatures have a birthday coming. D is in town and I have to remember that too. I have become a list fanatic. I keep forgetting things, and all I want to do is stay home and build castles. But home is strained now that T is confusing things. I am trying to do the self improvement stuff too. I should have booked to get a haircut as I look like a witch. It's been since last May that my hairdresser has seen me. I have not gone to the gym yet. I want to put the creatures first but I am not doing stuff for me. And of course, the HELLPIT is always the screaming mimi in the mix. H is no help...he just adds to the demands.

We bought books and rain boots today, in the hope that spring may show up yet. If the creatures were bigger and listened a bit more, I would run away with them. X had a sore tummy, but it felt good that he calmed down when he sat in my lap and cuddled. His hair smells nice and is soft....I could have stayed like that forever.....but then I would have to do it with the Z too....I would not want to miss out on that.....